We took a couple of pictures this morning, finished wrapping up teachers gifts, and prayed the Lord’s Prayer on the way to school like we have done every morning this year. The girls wanted to play on the playground before school. I told them that we could play after school. Another mom heard me and said, “We have to say yes on the last day.” She has said “yes” a lot more than me this year. I’ve hurried my girls past her and her little boy more times than I would like to count as she said yes to play and I said, “We need to go.”
My oldest doesn’t love transition. She likes to be prepared for everything. But, if I was going to be honest, she gets it from her mama. Today was the last day of kindergarten. We chose a sweet Kindergarten that is a part of an early learning program here in town. It is four days a week from 9am – 2pm, but she is totally ready for 1st grade. I loved that she wasn’t gone every day, all day. Neither of us were ready for that. However, she begged me for months to consider Stay and Play. This gives them an extra hour of play at school. I told her she could do it for one day a week the last month of school. The last Stay and Play was Tuesday, and today was the last day. I wasn’t prepared.
The last week or so I’ve been feeling like the Lord was finally gentling something in my spirit. Like I said in my last blog, I’ve been waiting for six years. There is a grief that is coming with this gentling, though.
I wasn’t prepared for the tears that flowed as I stood on that playground.
I cried for all the times I was hurried and overwhelmed. All the times I said “no” to playing.
I cried tears of gratefulness for the teachers that have loved my little girl this year. They have seen the BEST in her. I cried for all the times I’ve missed it. I also cried for the way these teachers have taught me. They have taught me to chill out, and they’ve reminded me as I have wrangled all three of my beauties that I will miss it. Today I really understood what they meant. I cried for my gratefulness of the preschool teachers that have walked with me at another little ELC and continue to. They prepared me for Kindergarten and continue to love me well and give me grace.
I cried for the guardedness I feel towards the other moms ~ all my insecurities. I’ve wondered for years why I feel so vulnerable with other moms. I have been so fearful of not being liked or accepted or understood. I cried thankfulness of the other moms that have pushed past my boundaries this year and made me feel loved. I cried because I wish still that I had tried harder and not kept a distance.
I cried behind my dollar floral sunglasses for all the distractions I have surrendered to just to cope. Netflix, Facebook and all the other junk I waste my time doing. I cried because the days really are long and the years really are short. You really don’t get these days back. I cried because it’s taken me six years to take that breath and see that.
I cried because I will miss that place and those people. I cried because my daughter will miss her friends and teachers, and I remember hating that feeling. I cried because it all went so fast.
I cried because you never know if what you are doing in parenting is the right thing, but we have a God who always knows. Thank you, Jesus, that you KNOW.
Last night Ross and I were talking about parenting. A walk and scooter ride turned into a lesson for my oldest last night. I told him that lately I find myself asking, “In the end, what do I want them to know and walk away with?” This morning one of my writing friends posted on Instagram about her latest blog. Her youngest is graduating, and she posted the same question: “What do I really want them to know?”
In the end, I want them to all know that Jesus is the only true way and that He is always with them. I want them to know that following Him will always be for their good and His glory. I’m glad this is what her teachers wanted her to know this year also. I feel like this is a stake in the ground for her and for me.
I finished my second year of kindergarten today. I feel like a little girl all over again. I feel vulnerable and sad and full of emotion. I really hate good-byes, and I still hate change. I also feel proud. I’ve learned a lot…more than I ever thought.
There’s been a lot of tears this year. Tears from a precious kindergartener and tears from her mama more than once ~ some days walking away from her kindergarten room. But today’s kindergarten tears are not cried in vain. There is deep purpose in these tears today.